exodus

This is it I think.

I'm sitting here on a Sunday morning and service starts in 7 minutes and I realise that I just really don't want to go. I can't muster any enthusiasm for it at all. Honestly going to service and cell group these past few weeks have been nothing short of a chore. To tell you the truth, I dread going to cell group every Saturday because it means I'll have to put on a facade again. Pretend I'm actually learning something or being 'refreshed' when I'm not. I try to arrive after they're done singing songs of praise because I know that I wouldn't mean a single one of those lyrics. You're supposed to feel refreshed and good after worship, and God knows I did in the past, but now I just feel like the world's biggest liar. Ditto for service on Sundays. Why am I sitting here typing this? Because I really really don't want to go all the way to that tired old room and watch the fiction unfold. I'm not sure how many of those kids really know what they're there for. I think I used to know but I don't now and I'm tired of saying I do.

I need to leave.

The hardest part is how to tell my friends about this. Friends whom I've known for just about all of my life and who are in leadership positions all over the shop, including leading my cell group. I've got to attend disciple group with jh and Nelson later and honestly I'm dreading it. I can't see it as anything other than a waste of time right now. This session has somehow managed to keep getting postponed and to tell you the truth, I've been so relieved everytime. I can truthfully say I was actually relieved to get the recall order a couple of Saturdays back and head all the way back to camp because it meant I wouldn't have to sit through disciple group.

I need to leave. I wish it hadn't come to this after all these years but I need to leave.