what're you made of?
I'd have to say today has been just about the worst day I've ever had for my self esteem. I found out at the last minute that I needed to submit a resume to the university over in Europe for my exchange application, I hurriedly went about collecting sample resumes from people.
Bad idea.
It seemed like every resume I read contained a looong list of prestigious sounding titles and positions. Manager, analyst, coordinator, head, officer...... the list went on and on and I realised that I really could not say the same for myself. I know that I've barely had any time to work at all in the less than 2 years since I ORD-ed. In fact any time I have had has in fact been spent on one job or another except for perhaps last December when I had barely 3 weeks of holiday because of my exams finishing late. And yet I just can't help but feel so utterly and completely inadequate. I just keep feeling like the guy who keeps trying and trying and goes nowhere. Like Charlie Brown if you like, except Charlie Brown has a wonderful (if a little eccentric) dog to come home to and I, have...well...you get the picture.
Going to Janice's 21st just now turned out pretty badly too. Happened to sit in between these two high-flying political science majors who wouldn't stop talking about the "hard life of PS majors" and unknowingly systematically dismantled every last bit of the fledgling plans I had for the future. I guess you might call it a deserving reality check but right now it's just really got me wondering if I've somehow managed to lose my way somewhere. I don't get it. I feel like the most average of average people. The guy who quite simply doesn't have what it takes. I can't seem to find a single thing that I can excel in. That I can find myself in.
So thats it? The long and short of it? I'm not an outstanding student. I do well enough but chances are I won't even be able to make 2nd upper. I'm not the worst sportsman you'll find but I'm far from the best. I'm the one you'll always find left behind cycling, I have terrible ball sense on the football field and I've never even managed to so much as get an IPPT gold even once though I tried so hard to get it, even taking drastic measures like starving myself and training every single day for more than a month. I can't even find solace music-wise. I've spent a good part of my life being classically trained in music and yet I barely scraped through all of my piano and theory exams. These days I can barely coordinate my left and right hands to play simultaneously. I've played the guitar since I was sec 3 and yet up till now, after hours and hours of practice and going for lessons that I'd scrimped and saved for, I'm hardly what you'd call a 6-string virtuoso. Even my love and family life has been nothing but disappointment after disappointment. Even standing in the rain completely exhausted with my face painted green after 72 km of pure torture, my father could not find it in himself to tell his son that he was proud of him as he pinned the silver wings on my chest. Not a smile even.Thats me. Mr so-fucking-average-and-forgetable. As if anyone would even give a shit.
I'm sorry this has turned into a rant. Its been a long hard day.
Bad idea.
It seemed like every resume I read contained a looong list of prestigious sounding titles and positions. Manager, analyst, coordinator, head, officer...... the list went on and on and I realised that I really could not say the same for myself. I know that I've barely had any time to work at all in the less than 2 years since I ORD-ed. In fact any time I have had has in fact been spent on one job or another except for perhaps last December when I had barely 3 weeks of holiday because of my exams finishing late. And yet I just can't help but feel so utterly and completely inadequate. I just keep feeling like the guy who keeps trying and trying and goes nowhere. Like Charlie Brown if you like, except Charlie Brown has a wonderful (if a little eccentric) dog to come home to and I, have...well...you get the picture.
Going to Janice's 21st just now turned out pretty badly too. Happened to sit in between these two high-flying political science majors who wouldn't stop talking about the "hard life of PS majors" and unknowingly systematically dismantled every last bit of the fledgling plans I had for the future. I guess you might call it a deserving reality check but right now it's just really got me wondering if I've somehow managed to lose my way somewhere. I don't get it. I feel like the most average of average people. The guy who quite simply doesn't have what it takes. I can't seem to find a single thing that I can excel in. That I can find myself in.
So thats it? The long and short of it? I'm not an outstanding student. I do well enough but chances are I won't even be able to make 2nd upper. I'm not the worst sportsman you'll find but I'm far from the best. I'm the one you'll always find left behind cycling, I have terrible ball sense on the football field and I've never even managed to so much as get an IPPT gold even once though I tried so hard to get it, even taking drastic measures like starving myself and training every single day for more than a month. I can't even find solace music-wise. I've spent a good part of my life being classically trained in music and yet I barely scraped through all of my piano and theory exams. These days I can barely coordinate my left and right hands to play simultaneously. I've played the guitar since I was sec 3 and yet up till now, after hours and hours of practice and going for lessons that I'd scrimped and saved for, I'm hardly what you'd call a 6-string virtuoso. Even my love and family life has been nothing but disappointment after disappointment. Even standing in the rain completely exhausted with my face painted green after 72 km of pure torture, my father could not find it in himself to tell his son that he was proud of him as he pinned the silver wings on my chest. Not a smile even.Thats me. Mr so-fucking-average-and-forgetable. As if anyone would even give a shit.
I'm sorry this has turned into a rant. Its been a long hard day.
posted by isaac! at 1:37 AM
1 Comments:
Hey bro. Cheer up. You can be so hard on yourself sometimes. I think in anything we do, we'll always find someone that will be better than us. What's more important is to know that we're working for God, and not for the praise of man, and that in anything we do, we give it our best. Col 3:23 no?
Your self worth ain't tied to all the worldly titles and achievements. They can be fulfilling, but they're only temporary.
If it means anything, I think you're a fantastic athlete and and quite talented in the kitchen (compared to most guys anyway)
Meet up soon.
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