Essential Guidelines For Any Channel 8 Drama

- If you're gonna have any of your leads wear anything less than t-shirt and shorts, take the chance to plug that scene for all its worth, No matter how short, how completely irelevant the scene is or how utterly un-drool-worthy the actor or actress actually looks. In years to come, it'll be the only thing people remember about your show.

- There's no drama like melodrama. Every episode, each member of the cast must cry the obligatory 2 buckets of tears. Not only does it make your show seems sensitive and deep, it also saves on the water bill when the obligatory walk in the rain scene comes on.

- To emphasis the utter wretchedness of the character after being dumped/cheated/slimed/insulted/kicked-out-of-the-house, viewers must be introduced to the afore mentioned character's personal raincloud. This is to be done by ensuring that rain is pouring torrentially down on him or her and yet everything around seems to be completely unaffected by the storm.

- Boy-Girl relationships are great. But damn, Boy-Girl-Boy-Girl-Boy relationships are even better! Remember, love triangles are so passe. Love pentagons, now there's a scene. Too small a cast? Hell whoever said there couldn't be more to brotherly and sisterly love?

- Whenever the protaganist is in down and out, his or her current love interest will miraculously appear out of the blue for no reason whatsoever and bring our hero to either the beach, the railway tracks or the top of a tall building, after somehow overcoming all the locks and barriers that usually prevent people from getting there. At this point of time, the love interest will spout some bullshit about always going to said place to ponder life's mysteries and subsequently convince our hero to join him or her in prancing around, hollering at the top of their voices.

- Grandpa ALWAYS dies. And not just die in any ol way. He's got to die the tried and tested Channel 8 drama way.
1. Family gets into big brouhaha and starts screwing each other.
2. Grandpa, being the quiet old gentleman, is reluctantly brought to the edge and nearly bursts a vessel telling them to shut up.
3. It seems Grandpa DID in fact burst a vessel, at which point he will hold his quivering hand to his heart and make spasmic motions while he makes an expression like someone having a toaster rammed up his arse while reciting the 12x multiplication table.
4. Grandpa makes a desperate attempt to grab the bottle of pills that reside permenantly in his left breast pocket. On getting his hands on it, the slippery devil will fly joyously from his trembling hands and spill its contents all over the floor.
5. Grandpa dies. Credits come on so people will not have to abosrb more information after being stunned senseless by the sheer absurdity of the scene.